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Are you a shrinking violet or the life and soul of any gathering? It may be that you wish you were more assertive so that you don’t disappear into the background, or perhaps you think you’re too assertive and come across as a little aggressive. There’s a fine line to tread between being too assertive and not assertive enough, and in this article we’re going to take a look at this issue.

It seems that over the past twenty or thirty years we have become conditioned to believe that assertiveness is linked to success, leadership, and getting ahead in our lives. However, assertiveness has become a term that is a double-edged sword, particularly for women in the workplace. The synonym for “assertive” is “aggressive” after all.

The benefits of being assertive

According to research undertaken by the Mayo clinic in the USA, being assertive is good for your health. You’re more likely to handle stress more easily, and cope with daily pressure, if you are able to vocalise any complaints or issues you have. Standing up for yourself boosts your self-confidence, and that makes you feel better.

In addition, asking others for what you want or need in a calm and rational manner makes your life easier. Assertiveness gets you that appointment you need, or a job interview, or inclusion in a social outing.

Are you overly assertive?

• Do you tend to dominate discussion?
• Do people often tell you you’re not listening?
• Do you tend not to work well in a team?
• If someone has an idea that you don’t like, do you squash it?
• Are you often in conflict with loved ones or work colleagues?
• Do you believe your way is the right way?
• Do you speak too loudly, shout, talk over others, interrupt them, drown them out?
• Do you resort to personal attacks to “make a point”?
• Do you find others avoid you?
• Do you often feel angry, misunderstood or under-appreciated?

Are you too passive?

• You prefer to listen and not contribute much to a conversation?
• Sometimes you have a burning desire to say something but don’t?
• You go along with what everyone else is doing or saying
• You prefer to blend into the background in a team
• You do not contribute ideas or positive change
• You look the other way when things are being done wrong
• You too may feel angry, and under-unappreciated

Do you struggle to be properly assertive?

It may be that you find it difficult to vocalise what you want or feel. You may be too passive, and fear conflict, so you allow others to drown you out. On the other hand, if you’re too assertive, others may find you too domineering, pushy or aggressive, and avoid you if they can. People tend to think that highly assertive people are less friendly, less likeable, and more self-involved than others – and it may be that you are! If you feel that you alienate people, you need to reconsider how you’re coming across.

One line of thought suggests that overly assertive people are driven by ‘winning’ – that could be an argument, a promotion, the front of the queue; while people who are less assertive are driven by relationships: they want to be liked.

The trick to knowing the difference is making sure you are self-aware. How do you come across to other people? You might be surprised to find that people think you are more assertive than you feel you are. If you regularly rub someone up the wrong way, it may be because the other person perceives you as too assertive.

There’s nothing wrong with being introverted

In life, in teams, at work and in the family, there is room for all types of people. People, who are peacemakers, people who like to please. There is only an issue if you as an individual know that you are practicing avoidance behaviours, or you try to appease others at the expense of your own sense of self. Of course, it can be difficult for an unassertive person to speak up even when asked. It takes courage to build assertiveness.

Walking the tightrope of being ‘properly assertive’

According to research, and possible common sense too, being properly assertive means being proactive but also inclusive. You are involved and engaged, and you encourage others to be too. You put forward your own point of view, and you listen and consider others.

It may be that you need to take advice from someone else about your assertiveness skills. If you notice you’re too assertive or not assertive enough then it is more than likely that others have noticed this too, and they may have some useful feedback for you if you’re prepared to listen. It is worth bearing in mind that research shows that people are less likely to tell you that you are too assertive even if you are, because they may lack assertiveness themselves and fear conflict. This is especially the case if you have a tendency to react badly to such news or you’re volatile.

Remember - being able to express yourself is fundamental to good self-esteem so it is worth putting some time in and getting the balance of assertiveness right.